Date: 29 Sept 2008
Subject: Report from the upper far left corner
Author: Demonick
It struck me the other night, while enjoying a fine cigar, a dram or three of an equally fine bourbon, and listening to a mellifluous episode of BS, that the follies and foibles of the greater metropolitan Seattle area, affectionately termed "Bezerkley North" by the vastly outnumbered area conservatives, would be endless grist for discussion.
This summer saw the sad end to a failed attempt at social engineering in the city of Seattle. A 4 year experiment to bring relief to the homeless finally went down the drain.
We are talking toilets, here. Not just any toilets, but big, shiny, $700,000, sidewalk mounted French Automated Public Toilets.
Seattle's loving attitude toward the homeless has led to sanctioned roving tent cities, car camps, and a "surprising" increase in the numbers of the homeless. As groups of the homeless have taken over city park after city park the piles and puddles of human feces and urine in downtown doorways spurred the Seattle City Council to spend $7 million dollars for a 10 year contract on 5, yes JUST FIVE, high-tech, "self-cleaning", French toilets. This ambitious plan would distribute these toilets around the 85 square mile city, each, apparently meant to relieve the needy over a 17 square mile area.
On 01 March 2004 to much media fanfare, fawning, and flushing the ribbon was cut, the elevator-like door slid open on the shiny cylindrical sidewalk unit revealing a gleaming, stainless steel interior roomy enough to fit the Mariners starting lineup, a team building exercise from which they could benefit. From the outside the toidies look like an elevator leading into the bowels of the earth, and I guess in some sense they are. The automatically locking door gave patrons 15 minutes to do their dooty, with a 1 minute warning at 14 minutes. After the patron exits the doors close again and an automated cleaning cycle begins in which the inside is hosed down, then the unit is once again gleaming and ready for use. Personally, I was hoping some of the homeless would figure out a way to stay inside through the cleaning cycle.
In the two years before the installation the city cleaned up 2400 instances of reported human waste. I'm a numbers guy and could not resist a quick back of the roll calculation. $7 million for 10 years yields $1.4 million for two years, so 2400 dupes over two years means the city is valuing a dupe at $583 EACH! Holy crap! If you're a one-a-day folk that's $213,000 a year!
In the two years following the installation of these Automated Public Toilets (APTs) the city cleaned up 7400 instances of reported human waste. Clearly this is a case of creating an expanding market. Who said left wing socialists know nothing of free enterprise? Of course the city hired more roving shit scoopers to meet the increasing demand.
In 2007 Seattle Public Utilities estimated each APT was flushed 332 times a day and yet only serviced 80 people. Once again, being a numbers guy, it seems to take 4 flushes per person per function. At 80 people per day, 365 days a year, $700,000 a year for 5 toilets comes to almost $5 per person! And the rest of us are upset in having to spend a quarter in an airport.
So what happened? Why were pants being dropped in doorways and on sidewalks three times more often after the APT installations than before? Where were the droves of the homeless answering nature's call? Where were the tourists, the elderly, and the young struck by a sudden urge and either unfamiliar with the area or too slow to make it?
Demonstrating once again the law of unintended consequences, the homeless and others were unable and afraid to use the toilets because immediately after the opening ceremony ribbon was cut, crack dealers, crack users, and whores of both genders moved into the secure public environments. The city had succeeded in creating mini crack houses and tiny brothels right on the sidewalk! Talk about convenience! Like a hard commercial break the toilets created a perfect timed working environment. "What was that?" "Better hurry, honey, that was the one minute warning." Brilliantly, one of the "adjustments" to the toilet function was to lower the time limit from 15 minutes to 10 minutes. The whores loved it. The city had given them a 50% raise!
Even the self-cleaning functions, didn't function. Dirt and debris tracked in or dropped on the floor automatically turned into a vile, toxic sludge when hosed down. The seats were always wet from cleaning and the paper seat liners just stuck wetly to the seat, making a cold and clammy throne.
Valiantly the city tried to deal with these minor issues. First, only a year after opening, the city turned off the "self cleaning" function. Additional maintenance crews cleaned the units twice a day. So much for "automatic". The city also put up stern signs in three languages, English, Spanish, and Chinese, warning potential potty patrons that sex, drinking, and drugs were prohibited. Finally, because the nagging signs did not seem to be an effective deterrent, the toilets were locked during the night. For those in lower latitudes, during winter in Seattle, night can start at 4PM and run until 8AM. 16 hours is a long, long time to hold it.
Finally, after 4 years of ridicule even the Moonbeams on the Seattle City Council could not ignore the piles of evidence and washed their hands of the episode and admitted defeat. This summer it cost the city $600,000 to get out of the remaining 6 years of the 10 year contract, and cost $250,000 to remove the APTs. Taking its cue from Sarah Palin, though never admitting it, the 5 super toilets were put up on ebay with starting bids of $89,000 a 87% discount . Over time the starting bids were lowered, and lowered, and lowered, until eventually all five APTs sold at bids ranging from $1625 to $4899 for a total take of $12,549, a 99.6% discount off new. That's like buying a 4 year-old Lexus for $144. Sign me up.
In the end, Seattle got hosed and flushed a few million down the drain.